So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
