Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
