you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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