dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
