Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
