I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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