I wish I only lived at night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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