She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
