My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
