I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
