it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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