Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
