She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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