Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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