Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
