Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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