I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
