Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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