I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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