Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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