just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
