who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
