the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!