i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.