I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
