you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
