I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
