The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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