A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
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Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
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He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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