Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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