Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i will never coherently bang her
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
