I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
