you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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