Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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