she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
