If i come over, it means nothing
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
