My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
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I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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