I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
