life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
