I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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