Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
