i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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