i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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