Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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