My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
