I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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