remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
