My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
