Well apparently he's into motor boating.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
