**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
