toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
