Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize