Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
