well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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