I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
