In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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