im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
