Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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