then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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