Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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