Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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