i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize