He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
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A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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