There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
MIDGETS
????
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
