Kareoke will never be a sober sport
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
